Okay...

I spent the whole afternoon yesterday babysitting for my sibs. Billy threw a truck through the glass window on the front door, and we had to clean up shatterred glass. Plus Bev had cuts on her arm and 2 little ones on her head. She's OK though. He was such a bad, bad boy. His punishment is he's not allowed to play with any trucks or cars for 2 weeks and not allowed to go behind any houses. Well, thats a brilliant punishment. I don't mean to knock my mom's judgement, but its a little silly. He shouldn't be allowed outside. Thats a much better punishment.

Anyway, I also went to Mary's theatre show. The play was called the end of the world or something like that. It was OK, but not the best play ever. I found that the main character talked way too fast. I admire people who talk fast, since I'm a veteran speed talker, but its not something welcome in theatre productions. Mary's part was hilarious. She and this other girl were supposed to be men actually, and they made nuclear doom seem funny and we all laughed at their jokes and antics. It was entertaining. But then her part was over and I had to watch the rest, which was OK but ended kind of weird.

I had a bad night. My friend, Chrissy ended up coming to get me and it was nice of her. She had hugs and we had hot chocolate and we talked and had cookies we didn't have appetites to finish. I did miss him. I was feeling surreal, like I was not even really leaving. He threw my stuff and he was angry, because I got so upset and called her and I couldn't make her turn around. Today she was the best friend ever, taking me places and bringing me to my parents. It was so nice of her, it was what a friend would do for their friend. And I was getting texts. Last night I got mean texts.Today I got nice ones. Sorry texts. Texts wanting me to come home, and I know thats my home. Its where I have been for a long time, and where the guy I love is, and where my cats and guinea pig are. I have been so happy, things have been so good. One bad thing happens, and yeah it happenned once before, but it happens again and I'm scared. I'm scared that more bad things will happen, that we will fight alot and that we will end up like my parents. And I don't wanna be like my parents. I think thats the root of it all. That I see my mother and father and compare my relationship to theirs. But its not like theirs. Its full of love, and its like if something happens we try to work through it. I wanna do that, because when I was telling him all the things I wanna do that I thought he'd hold me back from, he told me to do them. He supported me doing them. I said I wanna go to vet school and he told me I should. Well, I liked that. I couldn't end it between us when he was supporting me, when he was apologizing for our fight. I love him. He loves me. And... maybe a lot of people do stupid, impulsive things like call their friends up to come and get them. I need to not be such a wreck.

June 6

There are now 12 days to my birthday.
I am so pysched. I don't know what I will be doing, who will surprise me, what kind of awesome things I will get but it doesn't even matter. I just love having a birthday. This year is gonna be cool because I won't be forgotten or anything like that. 19. That seems like such a weird age... its past 18 but its not quite out of the teens because when you turn 20 you're out of your teens. Its like a pointless year. People probably spend it partying. Not me though. I don't really wanna.

Mary and Billy are here right now. Having ice cream. I guess its OK if they are in the house for a few minutes. Keith is at work. By the way, Bev is having an art show which is why Mary came over to pick me up. Stupid that she gets a car all the time though. Seriously. But I love her anyway.

Life is confusing. You will never figure it out. Even when it seems like you have, something will shoot out of nowhere and poke your fucking eye out. Like a BB gun. I don't even get it.

Kisses and love

Well today I slept kinda late. I am not too worried about it. I did a lot of things during the time I was awake. I folded and put away the clothes that were in the dryer, changed Spike's bedding and washed out his food dish, cleaned the plastic tub Spike played in because he peed in it, fed him, fed the cats, changed their water, straightened up the bathroom, emptied the bathroom and kitchen trashes, and swept the floor in the bedroom. Right now I am about to fold and put away some more clothes. Keith got home about an hour ago and we sat together on the couch while flipping through the TV for something to watch. He was watching "The Stand" which was on sci-fi, but then he went to his parents' house. He hasn't been over much this week since we have the washer and they were having pot roast so he's gonna have something to eat. I don't eat pot roast, so I'm gonna find something in a little while. I have veggie burgers, there's a can of tuna in the cabinet, and I could always have some ice cream. Ok, so ice cream is the unhealthy choice for dinner and I am not gonna pick it.

When we were sitting together, we were kissing and he was holding me so tight. It was so nice and it always is so nice to sit or lay with him. We can talk about our days, or how he is annoyed with people at work, or how my parents are splitting up, or anything else. We talk about the cats, about Spike, about what we need at the store, about the washer, about us. When we kiss its like magic. I have always said its like magic... and maybe thats because I feel like a princess when he is around.


“Kissing is like drinking salted water: you drink and your thirst increases” Chinese Proverb




http://www.ninashoes.com/-(263)-Powder%20Sand%20Luster-(4473-8BF9L7).html

That is a link to a site where there are breathtakingly beautiful shoes. These shoes are actually called Nina, just like me. This girl would really want these shoes, especially the Hanne LS in Powder Sand Luster that are shown at the above link. They are so pretty. I never had shoes that cost 79. 95 in my whole life, but I imagine that wearing shoes like that I would be kissed all the time. Keith would think I was so pretty if I had these shoes. I mean they would heighten my prettyness to a level beyond anything I have ever known. I think this because I have seen the way he looks when I wear my heels, and those are 20 dollar heels.

Baby-sitting, junk food, sibs, and arrows in the heart.

Its Saturday but it feels like the middle of the week. Maybe thats because for me, it pretty much IS the middle of the week. When I'm out of school and unemployed, every day is the middle of the week. Its like a new hump to get over. You know how they call Wednesday "hump day"? Its really because its like the hump in the middle of the camel or something, not because people should go out and hump like animals. Although I think people prefer the latter definition.

ANYWAY...

I had to be over my parents' early this morning to babysit. Its not technically baby-sitting since my little sister, Beverly is 13. When I was 13, I was watching her and our brother. Billy was 2 when I was 13 and Bev was 8. I guess I was more responsible. My parents never trusted me and always thought I was irresponsible and quirky when I was a teen-ager. Yet they always entrusted their children, laundry, and housework to me. Thats probably why I know that I'll be a good wife and mother. I'll be a damn good Mama and please, trust me on this, I wouldn't mind the job. I minded it when I was 16 years old and had no life. But that was something I could not controll. I didn't give birth to my sibs. I will give birth to my own babies, and therefore will totally accept responsibility for them. If I end up adopting kids or being a foster mother, it will be the same. I'll have made the choice to care for those kids, making me the mommy and happy to be that.

Keith and I will totally have kids. I am hoping for the near future. He says it would be better if I was done with school and had a job. Because we don't wanna be poor and stuck with a baby. Only I would never see it as stuck really. Babies are miracles. They can teach you things you never knew about yourself. Like how brave you are. Or how you've got principles. Or how you don't like the idea of your ten-year-old watching vampire TV shows. I mean when I was 10 I watched Buffy like crazy, thought I was so cool because I could stay up and watch this show that my mother hated. Then my mother found out and she was all "no, you're not allowed to watch this" and when I had bad dreams, I knew why. Someday I'll be the one telling my 10 year old not to watch something and I know they'll be like me. There's no way they won't be exactly like me, and my mother says that she wishes that on me as some sort of karmic retribution. Only, I don't think she said karmic retribution. I think she said punishment.

The sister I mentioned is over right now. It might be weird since she's 13 and I'm about to be 19, but I thought she might like to hang out. Plus if I had a big sister I would want to hang out like all the time. So she probably does too and appreciates this. Keith seemed to think it was a nice idea and gave us money to buy snacks. Bev's sweet tooth is legend. We got chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallows to make s'mores. We also got peanut butter cup ice cream and had them with cones. I think that cheating on my healthy diet is OK once in a while, or a couple times a week even. Its not like I am 200 pounds. I'm like 115. I think its mostly in my ass. And my man likes my butt. So no biggie.

By the way... I love him. I love him. I love him.

So much. The most. For always. And 4 ever.

I think sometimes people forget how much they love people, and then it hits them like an arrow smack in the middle of their heart. Well, thats how I felt. I should have never gotten so upset, but its OK to get scared like that. There are times when things seem very bad and when you get scared of what is gonna happen next. Only, whats gonna happen next? Good things maybe. Bad things maybe. Most likely both. With me I get lucky and have way more good than bad. That is like a blessing. Like from the angels who kissed me with freckles. '

Last night

I've read stories about people who cut. I've seen them talk in front of school assemblies. I've seen people in movies who are suicidal and slit their wrists. I think all those people imply that they need the pain to feel better, or maybe they need it so they feel something. I can't explain how it was with me. It wasn't like that, though. I didn't want to hurt myself and I am the biggest baby in the world when it comes to getting hurt. I just wanted to see the blood. I wanted to watch it appear slowly, creeping out of the tiny slit in the middle of the scratch. I wanted to wipe it away and smudge the red color so it stained my pale skin. I wanted to watch it drip from the bigger scratches. It calmed me. There are things you can control and things you can't. I guess you can control what I had done, and because I didn't want to turn into someone crazy I stopped. I don't want to do it again.

This morning Keith kept asking if something was wrong. He thought I was mad-pissed even. I don't get mad. He knows that. I get sad, I cry, but I don't get mad very much. If I had to pick the emotion I express the most it would be happy. Happy is good. And I doesn't take much to make me smile, or laugh, or feel good about myself. I used to joke that I had a natual way of getting high and it was called being happy.

I don't know how to say it to him but when I have just had the kind of night when my feelings are mixed up and all over the place, I don't need to be told sorry a hundred times. I need to be held. He did hold me, and we took a mid morning nap together. That was really nice.

I really hope this isn't a bad omen.

I am going to take it as a one time thing. If he drinks again this week or next, forgets me again...well, I will have to think that last night was a bad omen.

However today is a new day and bad omens are only superstitions. Perhaps this was one-time and will not be repeated. In fact, I am going to move on as if it didn't even happen.

He really is a good boyfriend. He really does make me smile. He knows me really well and I like to think I know him pretty well, too. There are always new things we learn about each other and I like that because in 50 years we might still be learning things about each other.

I didn't mean to sit here ranting. Rants are not even cool. They are not awesome in any way and do not make for happy Ninas. Happy Ninas are good and make everyone else around them happy. Now I know Nina is not plural, but if I were, there would be a billion of me. They would all have red hair, nice personalities, and super nice boyfriends. Named Keith.

Life is not a picnic. Sometimes you are jobless with very little money and bills from the hospital and your college. Ahem. Relationships are not a picnic all the time either. Sometimes you get into fights, or make each other unhappy, or break promises accidently, or spill litter all over the floor or do something stupid. Shit happens. C'est la vie. But love is what makes everything better. Its like a band aid but in a good way. So I know I am lucky to have someone who loves me. I love him back and am gonna show him how much when he gets home later.

And they lived....

“All that matters is the ending, its the most important part of the story, and this one is very good. This one is perfect,” Johnny Depp from Secret Window.

I don't have any endings to tell you, but I do have a story. This story is 100% true and that is the best kind of writing. You know writing like that comes from the heart. The heart is a very good place to get stories, because it doesn't pick and choose words, characters, setting, and actions. It just exists to reciprocate love... and to be loved in return. So obviously, heart= good for stories.

Okay, so there was once a princess named Nina. She was fairly attractive with red hair and eyes that were sometimes green and sometimes brown. She was a little shy, but could talk very fast when she was nervous or excited and sometimes when she was happy. She didn't have a lot of things, but the things she had she was thankful for. She loved animals and was passionate about saving all manners of strays from the wilds of the city, or the kennel at the animal shelter. She met a man who was honest and brave. He was older than her by a number of years. He was very cute though and he made her laugh more than anyone else. He told her stories about his life and she told him about herself. They could spend a long time just talking, and then one day they became more than friends. Kissing was suddenly the princess's favorite past time because the lips that kissed her were very good at making her feel as if she were the most beautiful girl in the world. She loved the way he smelled, the way he watched her sleep, the way he made her things to eat, and the way nothing scared him. The man, the princess learned, was in love with her. He would do anything to be by her side, and she would do the same to be by his. It was imperitive that they be together, but he was no prince. He couldn't whisk her to a castle or a yacht. He brought her to his home and they made love there. It was after this that the princess learned that her lover was a rebel patriot; a leader of a war to overthrow the king. OK OK, so there was no King to overthrow and no war. The princess liked to think of her wonderful boyfriend as a rebel because he pretty much was, and some of his stories made her wonder if he would have loved her if they had met at different times in their lives. Of course, different times in his life when she was actually alive and not some egg floating in her mother's womb. When she looked into his eyes she knew the answer to her query; they would have always fallen in love, no matter where or when. They were meant to be together. The princess decided that because she was a princess, her man could be a prince. He looked the part and acted the part and had a real life princess to back up the title. They lived together ever after making each other smile.