Baby-sitting, junk food, sibs, and arrows in the heart.

Its Saturday but it feels like the middle of the week. Maybe thats because for me, it pretty much IS the middle of the week. When I'm out of school and unemployed, every day is the middle of the week. Its like a new hump to get over. You know how they call Wednesday "hump day"? Its really because its like the hump in the middle of the camel or something, not because people should go out and hump like animals. Although I think people prefer the latter definition.

ANYWAY...

I had to be over my parents' early this morning to babysit. Its not technically baby-sitting since my little sister, Beverly is 13. When I was 13, I was watching her and our brother. Billy was 2 when I was 13 and Bev was 8. I guess I was more responsible. My parents never trusted me and always thought I was irresponsible and quirky when I was a teen-ager. Yet they always entrusted their children, laundry, and housework to me. Thats probably why I know that I'll be a good wife and mother. I'll be a damn good Mama and please, trust me on this, I wouldn't mind the job. I minded it when I was 16 years old and had no life. But that was something I could not controll. I didn't give birth to my sibs. I will give birth to my own babies, and therefore will totally accept responsibility for them. If I end up adopting kids or being a foster mother, it will be the same. I'll have made the choice to care for those kids, making me the mommy and happy to be that.

Keith and I will totally have kids. I am hoping for the near future. He says it would be better if I was done with school and had a job. Because we don't wanna be poor and stuck with a baby. Only I would never see it as stuck really. Babies are miracles. They can teach you things you never knew about yourself. Like how brave you are. Or how you've got principles. Or how you don't like the idea of your ten-year-old watching vampire TV shows. I mean when I was 10 I watched Buffy like crazy, thought I was so cool because I could stay up and watch this show that my mother hated. Then my mother found out and she was all "no, you're not allowed to watch this" and when I had bad dreams, I knew why. Someday I'll be the one telling my 10 year old not to watch something and I know they'll be like me. There's no way they won't be exactly like me, and my mother says that she wishes that on me as some sort of karmic retribution. Only, I don't think she said karmic retribution. I think she said punishment.

The sister I mentioned is over right now. It might be weird since she's 13 and I'm about to be 19, but I thought she might like to hang out. Plus if I had a big sister I would want to hang out like all the time. So she probably does too and appreciates this. Keith seemed to think it was a nice idea and gave us money to buy snacks. Bev's sweet tooth is legend. We got chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallows to make s'mores. We also got peanut butter cup ice cream and had them with cones. I think that cheating on my healthy diet is OK once in a while, or a couple times a week even. Its not like I am 200 pounds. I'm like 115. I think its mostly in my ass. And my man likes my butt. So no biggie.

By the way... I love him. I love him. I love him.

So much. The most. For always. And 4 ever.

I think sometimes people forget how much they love people, and then it hits them like an arrow smack in the middle of their heart. Well, thats how I felt. I should have never gotten so upset, but its OK to get scared like that. There are times when things seem very bad and when you get scared of what is gonna happen next. Only, whats gonna happen next? Good things maybe. Bad things maybe. Most likely both. With me I get lucky and have way more good than bad. That is like a blessing. Like from the angels who kissed me with freckles. '